WEEK 5: Breaking Down Those Walls

Ohhh my what a crazy week. 

       Monday was SUCH a good day. We had a special time with outreach this morning. We met a woman named Lindi, and I had a wild experience from the conversation with her. When she invited us into her house we were just getting to know her a little bit, and at one point she shared about her husband. I could tell she was uncomfortable when talking about him, and I felt something in my spirit to hone in on that. She started tearing up as we were sharing more things, so I pulled her aside. I felt like God wanted me to tell her that He sees her and we’ve come to remind her of the hope she has in Jesus. While I was saying that, she said “I know you.” I kind of just kept going, but when I was finished, she goes, “The reason I said ‘I know you’ is because when you said that, the blue and black in your eyes faded away and I saw crosses in your eyes.” WHATTTTTTTTT. Crazy. We continued to have an awesome conversation and got to encourage her to continue to lean on God because she does know Him. In general I felt God’s love all day in little things like grocery shopping in the mall and having little sweet encounters with people, and Wesley and Caitrin both buying me Diet Cokes. Emma Claire hosted her first Beauty for Ashes event (women’s ministry role). She had us and the interns create bouquets for the Auties who cook and clean here, and small ones for ourselves. She gave her testimony and did a little teaching. I’m so proud of her, it was amazing. 

     Tuesday was my first time handing out flyers for Impact Baby Rescue. IBR is another branch of Impact Africa that helps counsel moms to prevent abortions and stop “baby dumping.” It’s a culture here just to throw your baby in a dumpster if you don’t feel like you can’t take care of it, so it’s very heartbreaking. They also have baby homes where moms can drop off their baby instead of dumping it. Handing out the flyers is also just another tool for evangelism. It’s definitely a different approach because the posters are our agenda, but we still took time to love and talk to people just the same. At the second part of the day, I got to connect with this little boy named Remember. This was one of the first times I really got to connect with a little kid here in South Africa. 

       Wednesday, we had a day to corporate fast. This is where things got funky for me spiritually. Voices of shame and condemnation came flooding in my head as I tried to block out a schedule and I felt like God wanted to wreck that. There was a lot this day that blocked my heart that I had to process it later. 

       Friday’s outreach was heavy. That day I woke up and my heart felt blocked emotionally and spiritually. I had Wesley pray over me there in hopes that the numbness would leave, but I think that’s exactly where God wanted me. We encountered three people with severe burns during outreach which was so sad. One mom and son’s stove blew up in their home the past week, so it was fresh. The other guy was next to a shop asking for money, but we just bought him food. Thankfully in between those people, we talked to one young guy who had never heard of Jesus and he gave his life to Him. That afternoon we did our last Outreach Kids at a church and it was so fun. Emma Claire, Elizabeth, and Marcus helped out with telling a Bible story to the kids. That night, my squad, the interns, Kyle, and I all went out to a HUGE casino to play laser tag and eat some Greek food. Marcus bought me an ice cream cone after dinner. 

       Saturday, I was originally planning on going to an amusement park with everyone, but I felt like I should stay home and rest with the Lord and process. So I stayed home, but my stomach felt so sick the whole day. That was pretty disappointing and I was trying to understand what was the point of staying home to rest when I just got sick. I guess that was God protecting me from feeling sick being out and about though haha. 

       Sunday we went to church which was really good. We came home and did normal weekly chores together, then chilled. Emma Claire made some AMAZING banana bread and we watched How to Train Your Dragon that night.  I’m blown away by this woman named Kindle, who’s one of the ladies who work with Impact. She is a WOMAN OF GOD. She walks step in step with the Holy Spirit and is one of the most encouraging people I’ve ever met. She said she wanted to come and hangout with me tonight, and that’s what she did. Absolutely amazing conversation. 

       After Wednesday, I felt that huge spiritual block. After processing that a little bit, I think I got set back to the feeling of Jesus and my relationship as being transactional and has to be formulated. I got so stuck in shame and condemnation and I let those voices have a place in my heart. Something that does make sense is I asked God earlier this week to tear down the walls I try to put up with my emotions. I want to be better at being honest with my squad. Actually since I did ask that, I’ve had to be much more vulnerable with my squad and allow people to pour into me. It’s not comfy because I love always feeling good and joyful and like I can pour into people endlessly. Maybe God did take that and agree, and that’s what He is refining in me is the ability to ask for help and receive love. Love is not transactional. Even the morning after Kindle and I talked and I was thinking about everything she encouraged me in, I felt this shame of not asking much about her. LIKE WAIIITTT. It is totally a natural tendency in my heart to think of love as a transactional thing. The main thing she was emphasizing was how much God loves me. She said how much He admires me and says I’m His favorite. Of course we’re all His favorite, but something about that was so huge for me. I’ve just had a hard time receiving it again which is so frustrating because I know the truth, but it’s still not clicking back into place like it has in the past month. BUT I know that as I remain in Him, He’s the one changing my heart. This is obviously where He wants me because I’ve felt like this for a few days now. I know He won’t let me fall. 

       There is a lot to process for this week, and as we go into the LAST WEEK of South Africa, I truly am blown away by what God has done. He’s so good and so faithful.

Thank you for loving me Jesus.